INSIDE: From M.I.A. to taking one step at a time and intentionally finding yourself again when it seems like too much time has passed.
It’s no secret that this blog has been MIA for a few years. I started it with the best intentions and as a path towards personal discovery and healing, but along the way… life happened.
You know the kind.
Kids get busy while growing up, then throw in a new (old) job, a move, plus a global pandemic. Anyhow, through the phases of the pandemic of Covid-19, I wanted to hop online and write. Writing helps me process my emotions and life experiences. Still, I felt too overwhelmed to actually write when the world at large and my immediate household felt so minuscule compared to what people around me were experiencing. Plus, there were far larger things happening in the world. It felt like attacks on humanity and communities big and small were coming one after another. I didn’t know how to speak, let alone write, when so many other bigger and more important issues were at hand, like safety, hunger, and general human rights.
It also feels like the way people consume media and information has significantly changed since my last post. I am one that is known to travel down the “reels” rabbit hole on social media, and afterward, I feel like my brain is a bit mushier, and I find myself feeling so much “less than” when I started scrolling. Do you find yourself feeling that way? I have learned a lot from social media, don’t get me wrong. Like, how to make a “dump cake” (thank you Tik Tok), ideas to use with my Cricut (I’m still learning), inclusive language to use in my classroom so that all kids feel seen and important, and even learned a bunch about my adult ADHD.
Yep. Surprise! I am the newest member to join the adult ADHD club. It’s a club that I never thought I would be a member of, but here I am. Honestly, it makes so much sense. So. Much. Sense. I just wish I knew earlier so that I didn’t live so many years hating my brain. Seriously. Hating my brain, my multi-passionate pursuits, my impulses, and everything that I felt like I lacked. That’s a post for another day. Sorry, I digress.
My point is this, in the time that I have been away from this blog- the world, how people consume information, and my own life feels completely different, and yet the same. It’s 2022 and I am now 42. Huh? That doesn’t even seem possible. Afterall, wasn’t it just 2016? I feel like I am just a girl trying to reclaim a bit of herself. I am on the other side of traumatizing medical decisions related to my BRCA gene mutation and back in the world teaching- my passion and what truly drives me.
I don’t even know if there an audience here to read these words or to feel seen in them, but that’s ok. I am just going to start. Just one post at a time. And maybe, maybe that will be enough to let the deep healing I crave settle into my bones.
Just one small shift.
One step forward.
One day at a time.
So, that’s what I am doing now. I am finding out who I am. Not who I thought I was going to be by now. Not who society tells me I should be. I have always told you that I am a firm believer that nothing happens by accident. I don’t think this period of rediscovery is here by mistake. I think it’s following months and even years of just trying to get by, to survive, and I’ve lived enough life to know that doesn’t work. Going back to work was the best decision for me and my family. That is not in question.
Teaching, parenting, and living through a global pandemic and everything else that hit our world which burdens my heart has changed me. It helped me reset boundaries. I discovered what and who I value and where I want to spend my energy. It also made me rethink the essence of time. We don’t get a lot of it, so we better live before we die. Coming back to life on this side of the pandemic has revealed a need to get to know THIS version of myself. To live with this version of myself, whole heartedly and without regret. Leading with empathy, love, and grace.
Now, I begin intentionally listening to my inner voice (again), quieting the noise from the world outside, and finding myself in the wild without taming that part of my soul. In all honesty, I don’t know what I’m doing. However, I have never let myself down… I just don’t always put myself first.
Thankfully, I have an awesome support network in my husband, friends, family, and my trusted therapist. So, I know that it’s ok that I don’t know what I am doing. I DO know what I am doing in my job as a teacher and for the most part as a mom ( I mean do we ever really know if we’re doing that right?!?) and that provides a significant amount of security in knowing that I can take this time to figure my sh!t out.
I also know that I am going to use this time to show my kids how to live. How to love all parts of ourselves. How to live in the in-between of the good and the not-so-good parts of ourselves. How to change our circumstances and take control. How to accept nothing as permanent or forever and find joy in the moment. I do know that.
If any of this resonates with you, too. Please follow along and join in the conversation with me. Add your thoughts to the comments. Share this post with a friend or family member that you think needs to hear it, too. Let’s stop expecting our real lives to match those we see through our screens. Let’s stop comparing our life journeys to one another and just work on supporting one another and celebrating each other. Let’s just start. One small shift to find ourselves. Let’s start. It doesn’t matter how long your hiatus has been. Just start. We can do it together.
There are no happy accidents.
You can check out my other writings on Full Time Mom, 30Seconds, and SheSavvy. You can also follow me on Twitter at @KimKusiciel or @nohappyaccident and at Instagram at @nohappyaccidents_kim You can also check out our Facebook page.