So, that's what I am doing now. I am finding out who I am. Not who I thought I was going to be by now. Not who society tells me I should be. I have always told you that I am a firm believer that nothing happens by accident. I don't think this period of rediscovery is here by mistake. I think it's following months and even years of just trying to get by, to survive, and I've lived enough life to know that doesn't work.
My oldest was off to Middle School and my youngest kids were still in Elementary School, but my life hadn't changed much. My routine was the same as it was the year before minus potential hospital stays. I was still recovering from my BRCA+ journey of multiple surgeries, but the life I had been living was about the same with maybe a little less chaos since the kids were all in school fulltime (Finally! Can I get an Amen?). However, this darkness started to consume me when I wasn't prepared. I didn't plan on having to pick a side, but the dark was drowning out the light. I felt lost and didn't know how to cope. Until an unexpected opportunity came into my life.
It's no secret that I have been feeling lost and wayward over the last few months. I was trying to find myself again. I have been sorting through all the "life clutter" to rediscover my purpose and find my center.
Thankfully, I have learned that this phenomenon happens to all of us from time to time, for different reasons. We get a little caught up in moment-to-moment living and forget about the big picture. It helps me to know that I am not the only one feeling this way. Maybe that helps you, too.
Today, I want to share with you what I have learned on my path of rediscovery.
Whenever I am feeling lost or in need of direction I do one of three things: call my mom, drink wine with my girlfriends, or go to the library. I needed some insight so a trip to the library was in order! With three kids in tow, we made our rounds through the children's department and finally ended up at the Self-Help shelves for me.
Have you ever had the problem of having too many options? Having endless opportunities? Having the ability to go in any direction and accomplish any goal? I am talking about both big and small goals. It's a real problem for me. I know that sounds like I am whining, but it's really a big deal. And yes, I realize this is a total first world problem, but hear me out because you might see yourself in me.
When I was a kid, I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I had two, very specific dreams.
If you walk into my house, you'll be greeted by a cheerful entryway and a clean and tidy front room and dining room. However, if one were to gaze past the comfy couch, you would find my mess. It's not always like this, but about every three months or so life just seems to "pile-up" in the form of papers, unfinished projects, art supplies, books, teaching materials, bills and receipts to file, notes, my kids' school papers, old to-do lists, and remnants of unfinished plans, and more.
Here it is, in all it's ugly and messy glory...
Do you ever have those days (or weeks) where you just think, how did I get here? Where am I going? What am I doing? Why am I doing this? There have been times that I just want to hit PAUSE so that I can think, process, and act before another minute passes me by.
In this ugly moment, I can either persecute myself or I can practice self-grace. Today, I choose to practice giving myself grace.
no happy accidents 