So, that's what I am doing now. I am finding out who I am. Not who I thought I was going to be by now. Not who society tells me I should be. I have always told you that I am a firm believer that nothing happens by accident. I don't think this period of rediscovery is here by mistake. I think it's following months and even years of just trying to get by, to survive, and I've lived enough life to know that doesn't work.
My oldest was off to Middle School and my youngest kids were still in Elementary School, but my life hadn't changed much. My routine was the same as it was the year before minus potential hospital stays. I was still recovering from my BRCA+ journey of multiple surgeries, but the life I had been living was about the same with maybe a little less chaos since the kids were all in school fulltime (Finally! Can I get an Amen?). However, this darkness started to consume me when I wasn't prepared. I didn't plan on having to pick a side, but the dark was drowning out the light. I felt lost and didn't know how to cope. Until an unexpected opportunity came into my life.
Our family had a busy Sunday. Our oldest daughter had a rock concert through her local School of Rock. They had an awesome show and she had her best show yet! We were on our way home when our son started complaining of a headache and a sore throat. I had a mean mom moment and told him he couldn't have a sick day since I had to go into work the next day.
During an extremely challenging week our household was a hot mess. Everyone was busy, emotional, and needed extra attention. Plus we had our regular "life" duties and all of the above activities. Everybody needed a break, but we kept trucking on. During a hectic afternoon, I was getting an after school snack ready for my three kiddos and answering an email on my phone. Since busy for me looks a lot like me being on my computer or phone, my kids associate my phone with me being too busy for them. Which of course is not the case, but having access immediately to emails and job related activities in a very virtual world, means that I can be efficient and multi-task. But my oldest set me straight on this crazy day.
I went to bed sad about near end of the preschool stage of my parenting years. Only to get a surprise the next day...her school doesn't start until next week.
OH...MY...GOSH!
I was only thinking two things at this moment; one- I did all that worrying and feeling sad for no reason and two-it was my first #mommyfail of the new school year.
no happy accidents 